It's rare that I don't know where to start when it comes to writing a movie review, but there's a first time for everything. I'll just give the bad news to you straight: like a vet's trip to get your old pet put down, "Wuthering Heights" is about as spicy as a plain meal at Nando's, and as basic as the restaurant choice.

But we knew this going into it, didn't we? We've had the collective debate about the death of modern literacy, the outrage about the casting choices and Emerald Fennell's outright refusal to include the Emily Brontë novel's original themes of race and colonialism. They're all necessary conversations and causes for concern, and I agree with them.

On the other hand, I also agree with freedom of interpretation and creative license. I'm a huge fan of Promising Young Woman and Saltburn, so it made sense that Fennell was the director who could reinvent a classic into something jaw-dropping, pushing the boundaries of how we interpret a classic tale.

Alas, we've actually ended up with something superficial that can be commercially marketed, inspiring 10-second TikToks instead of critical thinking. Add two and two together, and you get boring... the most mortal sin in cinema.

From the impeccable first trailer with Charli XCX's Everything is Romantic remixed into it (as it's better than the entire movie, I'll link it below for you to enjoy), "Wuthering Heights" sold itself as lustful yearning confirmed to get you hot under the collar. I thought this would make it messy and overbearing – but I never expected it to be as dull as dishwater.

From teaser to feature, something's gone wrong

If I'm completely honest, I so badly wanted to fall head over heels for "Wuthering Heights" just so I could spite the masses who hate it. Perhaps I'm as petty as Fennell's version of Cathy (Margot Robbie). But that dream wasn't to be, so let's dig deeper into what didn't work.

Here's the infuriating part – you can completely buy the chemistry and sense of longing happening onscreen, even the unhinged behavior that makes up being driven made with selfish desire. But you'll struggle to care about any of it.

Working with deeply unlikeable characters needs a master at the helm, and I wonder if Fennell is too focused on translated her own personal experience of reading the book as a young girl. In essence, what's happening in the movie might mean a lot to her, but not to anybody else.

A friend of mine described "Wuthering Heights" as a two-hour Taylor Swift music video, and I think she's nailed it. We're looking at something that could easily have been featured on The Life of a Showgirl, laced with vibrant colors and ostentatious production design shaped by period drama Instagram.

While the costuming is easily the star of the show, production often reveals Yorkshire to actually be on a soundstage, with props so 2D you'd fear squashing them into cardboard mulch if you got too close.

Charli XCX's tailor-made album for the film is in scant supply too. The orchestrated soundtrack is hauntingly melodic, but I was promised some electro-pop bangers in between this snoozefest, and I only counted three.

Then there's the wayward casting. Perhaps somebody like Mia Goth, Mia Wasikowska or Elle Fanning might have been a better fit for Cathy than Robbie, who can never truly shift that beautiful Gold Coast glow. Her performance is solid and she's clearly done the groundwork for it, but full suspension of belief doesn't follow.

I've got a lot more time for Jacob Elordi's Heathcliff, especially after his riveting role of The Creature in Frankenstein. He sells the hard done by Yorkshire grafter better than anybody else, but the press tour had helped solidify our yearning for him. Holding Robbie's dress, making sure she doesn't get soaked in the rain and taking the time to answer every endless press question thrown his way... yeah, that's a man raised right.

While Hong Chau's Nelly Dean remains constantly stone-faced and Shazad Latif's Edgar Linton looks like he doesn't even know he's in a movie, I'm bowled over by Martin Clunes' Mr. Earnshaw. It's hilarious for a Brit to see the Doc Martin star scold Elordi and crawl on a dirty floor for coins, but God does he pull it off. Both cruel and captivating, we definitely don't spend enough time with him during "Wuthering Heights'" 132-minute runtime.

Owen Cooper and Charlotte Mellington are the exceptional ace up Fennell's sleeve though. Matured and emotional beyond their years, they reel us in during the movie's opening 20 minutes with such vulnerable honesty that I almost had a tear in my eye. Thank you Netflix and Adolescence for giving us a star being born in Cooper.

But surely it's erotic... right?

Where "Wuthering Heights" removes the socio-political context of Brontë's novel, it fills out with a 50 Shades of Grey approach to what's left. Again, this leaves a bland taste. Aside from one truly erotic scene – Fennell seems to pull her lust off best when she stops just shy of sex – nothing is sexy, shocking, or particularly inviting. If you want sexual scandal, try Rivals on Disney+.

As I said in the headline, if this film was a spice, it would be flour. You can't market something solely on the promise of hedonistic lusting and then deliver something you'd actually feel comfortable watching with your parents. I doubt it would even have made ripples 20 or 30 years ago. But sure, Elordi will get some cheers when he takes his top off.

Will I be watching "Wuthering Heights" again? No. Do I remain a Saltburn truther? Yes. Will Fennell's latest make a shed-ton of money at the box office despite being widely panned? Absolutely. I've got a sneaking suspicion that Fennell kicks into full gear with original stories, so don't count me out of her work completely.

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Light spoilers follow for Crime 101.

Chris Hemsworth can't seem to catch a break away from the MCU.

Best known for playing Thor in Marvel's cinematic juggernaut, his CV largely reads like a list of critical darlings that underperformed at the box office (Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga, Rush) and critically-panned flops (Spiderhead, Men In Black: International, and 2017's Ghostbusters). Sure, there have been successes, such as Netflix's Extraction franchise, but even those are considered to be unoriginal overachievers by plenty of people. Not exactly the consistent hitmaker some might have expected him to have become, then.

And so comes the turn of Crime 101, an action-heist thriller fronted by Hemsworth. At first glance, it looks like the kind of gritty and pulsating film that'll go down well with fans and critics alike, and be the big, non-superhero box office success that the Aussie actor needs. Enjoyable for what it is, though, Crime 101 commits too many offences to be a must-see film and/or an immediate genre classic.

To catch a thief

Written and directed by BAFTA-winning crime genre fanatic Bart Layton (The Impostor, American Animals) and based on Don Winslow's short story namesake, Crime 101 introduces us to Mike Davis (Hemsworth).

An extremely meticulous and seemingly untraceable crook, Davis' penchant for committing armed robberies – often of the jewellery variety – along the Hollywood Freeway puts him in the crosshairs of the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD).

When a routine diamond heist goes awry, Davis soon finds Detective Lou Lubesnick (Mark Ruffalo), who's hunted him for an extended period of time, hot on his trail once more. The only way to evade capture and set himself up for life, it seems, is to successfully carry out one last money-spinning crime. And, for that, Davis will need to employ the services of Sharon Colvin (Halle Berry), a disillusioned insurance broker who holds the key to his $11 million plan.

There's no question that Hemsworth has the charisma and acting qualities to be a leading man, which he's demonstrated as Marvel's heroic God of Thunder and Furiosa's the love-to-hate villain Dementus. It'll come as no surprise to learn, then, that he turns a potentially one-dimensional character in Davis into a fully rounded individual with real emotional depth and complexity

Okay, given his line of work, Davis has learned to become a enigma whose vulnerabilities only surface with people he's close to. Once the soul-shuddering moment that spooks him during the near-botched diamond robbery occurs, though, a window is opened into Davis' life and mysterious backstory that suggests he's not the run-of-the-mill thief you might expect.

Neither a master of his craft nor a perfect executor of a plan, and armed with an unexpectedly strict moral code that juxtaposes the criminal world he operates in, Davis is a walking contradiction in every sense of the word – and, by proxy, an incredibly interesting individual to accompany as Crime 101's story unfolds.

It's the journeys that Davis and his fellow alienated individuals in Lubesnick and Colvin embark on, plus the broken systems they operate in, that makes Crime 101 shine as a character-led crime drama.

Whether it's Davis' faith being shaken by his near-death experience, Lubesnick's hands being tied by red tape and lacking the support of his law enforcing counterparts, or Colvin being overlooked by her peers due to her gender and age, Crime 101's core trio are all pushed to their breaking point.

Watching these individuals grapple with their conscience and fully transform into morally ambiguous individuals, especially once their worlds collide, is arguably the Amazon and Sony flick's best feature. My only criticism? That these engrossing interactions, which I was fully invested in alongside their individual arcs from the outset, aren't revisited as often as I'd have liked.

Under pressure

Outside of these character interactions, Crime 101's story is as disappointingly derivative as they come.

Its action, while slick, kinetic, and at-times edge-of-your-seat viewing, is pretty par for the course. When you consider the Mount Rushmore of genre movies that Layton says Crime 101 was influenced by, especially from an action spectacle standpoint, I expected more from its rubber-burning set-pieces and gun-toting stand-offs.

The same can be said of Crime 101's romantic sub-narrative, which sees Davis fall for, and later date, Maya (Monica Barbaro) after they're involved in a car accident during its first act. Hemsworth and Barbaro have a mostly natural chemistry that bubbles with sexual anticipation, and its inclusion certainly adds some amorous spice that's missing from Winslow's original tale. Contextually, though, it's a storytelling addition that's hokey at best and, at worst, is an unnecessary distraction from the primary plot.

Even Ormon, a belligerent, overeager, and violent criminal portrayed by the ever-excellent Barry Keoghan, lacks originality. A one-note pantomime villain, his inclusion is nothing more than simply being a deeply unlikeable, antagonistic foil to the multifaceted Davis, and play a vital role in Crime 101's nail-biting albeit formulaic final showdown.

And that's a pity, because Crime 101 could've saved face if said confrontation had built upon the suspense-riddled foundations that it had done a largely good job of laying throughout.

Sure, it's not the worst face-off in movie history, and it would be remiss of me not to mention that the Amazon MGM Studios and Sony Pictures venture dispenses with the usually grim endings that the crime genre is renowned for. Spoilers notwithstanding, I respect that it wraps up many of its characters' individual stories in a satisfying manner.

Nevertheless, the slow but purposeful ratcheting up of the tension throughout its two hour and 20 minutes runtime doesn't get the payoff it deserves once things come to what should be a thrilling, high-stakes head.

My verdict

Crime 101 is a serviceable albeit puzzling film. There's a fair amount to admire about the first feature that Layton has directed that's based on a work of fiction rather than a real-life crime. That's especially true from a character-first perspective, with the action-thriller anchored by many strong performances.

Still, while it's commendable that it's a largely authentic retelling of Winslow's original tale, Crime 101 just isn't ground-breaking or genre-bending enough as it needs to be to stand out.

It's honorable that one of this year's new movies tries to evoke films of its ilk of yesteryear, and feels like a throwback to movies that aren't made anymore – but maybe that's the point. Filmmaking and storytelling has moved on so much since the crime movie genre's heyday of the late '80s and early '90s. Such big-screen offerings need to do or say something fresh and exciting to drive the genre forward. Put simply, Crime 101 doesn't.

Crime 101 arrives in theaters worldwide on Friday, February 13.